As I spent time on social media, I began to feel a weight of expectations for my own life to match the life I was seeing of others. The more I strived to have the life I was seeing on social media, the less content I became and I began to question everything about myself. Finally, my husband called me out and I decided to fast social media and take my discontentment to the Gospel. Within a few days, I quickly realized that the content I was seeing seemed so scripted. Where was the authenticity? The more I prayed through my struggles, I felt the challenge to, in fact, live more "scripted", which brought me back to this blog I had created months prior. Except the “scripted” life I desire is one that is less scripted for likes and followers and more rooted in the Scripture—the Gospel, so that what I share with the world reflects the hope I profess, the grace I’m dependent on, and the glory of the Lord. As I prayed, I realized I wasn't the only person out there who desired this authenticity. I desire for this blog to be a safe place where others can come, just as they are, for genuine connection. I don't have it all together and I am tired of trying to. There is beauty in the simple, yet purpose-filled life. Grab a cup of coffee and stay a while. I pray that the Lord uses the words He gives me to encourage and give you hope along your path.
I am learning that being vulnerable, transparent, and authentic is better than the façade of perfection. So, here it is, a journey of transparency through the written word. If you choose to follow this blog journey with me, I pray you are encouraged. Not because of my words and story, but because of His.
I love to write. I love words. Words are powerful (Proverbs 15:4). Words can help heal our hurts. We can take our bibles or books, grab some coffee, and snuggle into a safe, sacred space to allow the words to change us. Heal us. For as long as I can remember I used words to communicate, not just with others, but with myself. As a child, when I was in trouble, I would go to my room and write a letter to my Mama. I always seemed to be able to communicate what I was feeling, while being much more rational, through words. After I finished the letter, I would place it somewhere she was guaranteed to find it, go back to my room, and wait. Without fail, the letter would calm the frustration, and then we could talk. Same was true for any relationship I faced. In times of tension, I wrote to that person. This letter writing sparked something in me at a young age, the love of words. My mind always seemed to be in a thousand different places. I could organize each thought and feeling when I wrote in a journal. Years ago, I ended up throwing away many of my old journals. Some moments in them I did not desire to relive. The words on the pages helped me process and heal, so that was enough. But, as I sorted through them, I realized how long-ago God placed this passion and gift inside of me, WAAAYYY before I knew Him, but he always knew me. He always knew what He would do with this love of writing, even though I am still not sure. Keeping a journal has always been a part of who I am. SEVERAL months ago, I began to feel a tug from God to share some of what I write. (I emphasize several, because I feel that it is important to know that I often try to hide from what God is telling me. Clearly, I cannot hide from God, but when He asks me to do things and I do not feel as though I measure up for the task, I pretend not to hear Him. I know, that is not ideal, but that is truth. I pray to be more obedient the first time I hear His voice. Baby steps.) There are always words welling up inside me as I encounter others and world in my daily routine. Sometimes, I pull out my purse journal and get the words down. Other times, I type a quick note on my phone. However, most often, the words come when I am trying to fall asleep. It is when I am the quietest before the Lord. I love the moments before falling asleep, it is when I feel the most held by God. It is just Him and me. Sometimes I sing worship songs until I drift off, other times I pray and recite the scriptures I can remember without the help of Google. But, sometimes I lie there in the silence and wait to see what He will stir up in my spirit. It is always words, and on these nights, I end up typing random thoughts into my phone until I feel my spirit settle. I have note after note in my phone of nighttime ramblings that rarely equate to anything I would like to put out there for all to see. That is just it. It is NOT about me and what makes me comfortable. While I am so grateful for my relationship with God and these moments of feeling the Holy Spirit move in my thoughts and hearing his voice, I realize these moments are not just for me. He created us all to share His love with others and not just when we feel like it. I love to read, and I am always fascinated with how God moves through the authors to deliver the words I need to receive. But, what if all those authors or pastors or songwriters, kept the words God placed in their spirit to themselves? All these people are living a life, “so that”. God gave these words, SO THAT, the simple girl in Alabama could experience peace and healing. God gave these words, SO THAT, a room full of believers could lift their voices in worship to God. Even still, the enemy tries to tell me sharing God’s word is for those people. Those who seem to have it all together. Those who do not have a past as dark as mine. Those who seem to listen to His voice the first time. Those who seem to always radiate joy. I am not enough. I have a love/hate relationship with social media. I love some of the posts and being able to share with others. Yet, I hate the comparison trap it inevitably is. I hate the way it can sometimes make me feel. If I am being transparent, the thought of posting makes me anxious. We are human, and whether we like it or not we are designed with a need for acceptance, attention, and affirmation. We compare our twelve likes to our neighbors two-hundred and twelve, and suddenly, we do not measure up. It is a vicious cycle, and we all fall victim to that feeling from time to time. So, when I felt God leading me to share some words through a blog, I instantly laughed at Him (Remember how that turned out for Sarah. No? Genesis 18:1-15. It is never a good move to laugh at God. He always has the last laugh. Promise. Genesis 21: 1-6). Although it felt like an honor to have God ask me to share the words He places on my heart, I felt completely unworthy. But God, nobody looks at my posts now. In fact, I am pretty sure they roll their eyes if they see my name. “Great, another long God post.” Scroll up. I decided that since I felt this way, it must be true. (Feelings, ugh.) So, I ignored Him. Ignoring him lead to many restless nights and long days. I poured myself into books, as I read each one I heard the whisper, Write. Share. Trust Me. Whenever I experience moments like this I think about the scenes from Evan Almighty. He knows what God is telling him, but he does not want to do it. He tries to ignore and outsmart God. Maybe God will forget and leave him alone. Yeah, right. Eventually he ends up driving down the road with snakes and spiders in his car (I picture God making a fist then spreading it wide while saying, BOOM. Ignore me again. I’ve got a whole arsenal of creepy crawlers at my service). Whoa. The more I continued to read and pray, the more my heart began to soften to what God was telling me. Instead of ignoring God, I began to pray, Okay, God. But, when? And that, that was the beginning of the toughest season I have ever walked through. I will share more of that later. The whispers to Write. Share. Trust Me., faded into the noise that surrounded my life and my heart. After coming out of the thick of that season, I heard a different whisper. Now. It is time to share. Write. Trust Me. Huh? This time I did not ignore God. I flat out told him, NO. Are you serious? That season was not a happy one people want to hear. That will definitely be overlooked. People like happy and “Perfect”. They do not respond to mess and real. They ignore it. I cannot and will not share this. Nobody cares, and it is personal. No. Sorry, God. But, NO, I will not do it. And, I left it at that. The truth is, God is the author of my story. Honestly, the story is not even mine. It is His. Who am I to tell him how to use it or share it? So, I began to ask God a simple question. Why? While it is a one-word question, it can be a loaded question, as my human brain does not and cannot comprehend God’s understanding or perspective (Isaiah 55:8-9). But, when I am bold enough to ask God the hard questions (he can handle it), He never fails to lead me to his answer (Psalm 119:130). God’s response to me was simple, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, SO THAT we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). His answer to me, Live So That. Tell people about Me. Let me use you. Your experiences were not a waste. The broken pieces are my favorite part of you. It is those broken pieces I use for my glory and to create my Masterpiece. I walk with you through the dark days, SO THAT you can show others who I am. Share of My grace. He has been the author of my story from the beginning (Psalm 139:13-16), including each moment of my B.C. days (before Christ) when I was not even aware of His presence. My life and the circumstances I face, all exist for one reason, His glory. My life is a tool. My love for writing is a gift. He has already written every one of my days, I am just living them out and writing it all down. Letting go of the social media insecurities is tricky. But, here is the truth, if I am obedient to share the words God gives me, God will use it the way it was always intended, for His glory, not my likes. I pray that if you choose to take this blog journey with me, that you do not see me at all. Yes, I physically sit at my computer and type these words. However, I promise you that is the end of my contributions. My prayer is that you encounter God in a fresh new way. I pray that the words God uses to speak to me will be used for Him to speak to you.
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Hi! I'm Morgan.Follower of Christ. Grace dependent. Wife. Mama. Homebody. Archives
July 2020
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