As I spent time on social media, I began to feel a weight of expectations for my own life to match the life I was seeing of others. The more I strived to have the life I was seeing on social media, the less content I became and I began to question everything about myself. Finally, my husband called me out and I decided to fast social media and take my discontentment to the Gospel. Within a few days, I quickly realized that the content I was seeing seemed so scripted. Where was the authenticity? The more I prayed through my struggles, I felt the challenge to, in fact, live more "scripted", which brought me back to this blog I had created months prior. Except the “scripted” life I desire is one that is less scripted for likes and followers and more rooted in the Scripture—the Gospel, so that what I share with the world reflects the hope I profess, the grace I’m dependent on, and the glory of the Lord. As I prayed, I realized I wasn't the only person out there who desired this authenticity. I desire for this blog to be a safe place where others can come, just as they are, for genuine connection. I don't have it all together and I am tired of trying to. There is beauty in the simple, yet purpose-filled life. Grab a cup of coffee and stay a while. I pray that the Lord uses the words He gives me to encourage and give you hope along your path.
This is not the post I planned on. For weeks, I have worked on another post. It was written, for the most part, months ago when the dream of this blog was placed in my spirit. I knew how to finish it, but it was not happening. In the weeks following my first blog post, life happened. School work piled on both in my career as a teacher and in my continuing college courses. I have also been participating in a Freedom group this small group season. And, honestly, as much as my experience in the group led me to starting this blog, I have also become very quiet. Freedom is everything I thought it would be and so much more (Ephesians 3:20). I am out in the deep end of my faith, WAAYYY deeper than I ever allowed myself to go. My soul is being searched and transformed through the Holy Spirit in ways I longed for but did not have the courage to ask God to do. So, this blog, took a backseat. Normally, that would have frustrated me. I would bombard God with my confusion. Okay, God. You told me to start this, I did, and now you just have it on hold. Then I would question whether I heard God correctly. Surprisingly though, my reaction has been quite the opposite. I felt still and at peace (a combination that does not usually occur in my restless heart). And, it felt good. Through this semester of Freedom, I can feel God moving like never before, but I cannot see where He is taking me.
In these weeks leading up to this post, I walked through some tough faith moments. Yes, God, I did ask you to do something big. I believe my words were, for you to move in a way that I will not question it is you. But, God, this is crazy. Are you sure? Surely you can accomplish this another way. That when He said something to me that has shifted my perspective on prayer. Morgan, you cannot ask me to do big things and expect small answers. Whoa. Insert gut punch. I wanted God to move. I wanted to see the miraculous. I wanted it in a nice box with borders that I created, and for it to happen in a way that I could understand. I realized I had placed God in a box, along with my faith. God cannot work that way. Yes, He is God and He has the power to do whatever He desires. However, sometimes we do not allow Him to be that God. We only allow Him to be what we feel is safe and easy for our minds to comprehend. We only allow Him to move when it is comfortable for us. Our lack of faith blocks the fullness of His power. The next few lines need a disclaimer. You can laugh. The situation does seem strange to some, but it is how God knew He could get my attention, so He used it. Before I dive in, you need to understand the intensity of Freedom group. The enemy DOES NOT like what is taking place. He is losing his grip on me because of the authority I am taking as a child of God, in Jesus name. So, he attempts to use my insecurities to keep me from boldness and my purpose. Now on to the point. In May, we had kittens show up at our house. Michael was not amused by the fact that I felt the need to take care of them. Quickly, they became ours. Surprisingly enough, they brought a lot of joy to our days as we watched them grow. I made the decision a few weeks ago to have them neutered, so that we did not have a reoccurring trend of kittens at our home. However, when the time came, one of the kittens had a weak heart and did not make it through surgery. Before I go further, I know these are just cats, but I took responsibility for them. Anyway, these kittens had never been apart. The kitten that survived was pitiful. I brought him home to watch him cry and search for his brother. Maybe some of my reaction could be contributed to my pregnancy hormones, but it broke my heart. I cried, sobbed for two days. One of the days, while discussing with Michael if we should keep this kitten or try to find it a better home, I said something that shook me. God, why did you make me this way? I do not understand why you gave me such a sensitive heart. It only ever causes me problems and hurt. What were you thinking? The enemy was planting the seed in my mind that something was wrong with me. I was not only not enough, but I was too much. He was weaving in the depths of my heart that I had no purpose. Normal people would not respond this way. These thoughts brought on a whole mess of other thoughts that were all breaking down my identity in Christ. See, in the weeks before this someone had made a comment to me that rattled me and even after talking it out in small group, would not leave me. I do not remember the context of the conversation, but somehow my past was brought up and she said, “I heard you were a mean girl in high school”. It devastated me. Mostly, because it was true, but I had hoped to never face the fact after being saved. There it was. One of my dark moments, brought to the light. I wrestled with this memory. I coupled it with the current thought that God made a mistake in creating me, and it paralyzed me, until yesterday. I went into church full of expectation, not realizing what God was about to do. We are currently in my favorite message series of the year, “At The Movies”. Pastor Chris follows the parable teaching of Jesus as he takes movies and reveals biblical truths through the stories. The movie yesterday was Wonder. I am sure most of you know the story. A little boy, August Pullman, who has facial differences struggles with discouragement and fitting in. He wears an astronaut helmet to hide his face, to hide who he is. Pastor Chris started by reading Psalm 139, “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed”. I sat in the chair and sobbed. I was trying not to look around. Michael leaned over and whispered, “Are you okay”. I just nodded. But, I was being wrecked from the inside out. At that moment, I felt God grab hold of those lies the enemy had been planting and pull them out of me with great force. Then I head Pastor Chris saying, “taking off the mask”. That was it. Yes, I had been that mean girl. I felt so far from that high school person, yet at the same time I felt like I could not escape it. Why did I do those things? Because, I was insecure. I regret them deeply. It is one of the many things I always prayed no one would remember or find out. Now, I feel God directing me to put it on display (2 Corinthians 11:30). The day I was saved removed that sin from my life. I had to give those dark moments over to Him for transformation. I am learning those are the things He uses to reveal His glory and power. He did not need for me to hide behind my past, but to bring it out, to show how He transforms the darkness of our past, mistakes, and short comings with His light. One of the things that ALWAYS shocks me is when people talk about my gentle spirit. Why? Because, the enemy brings up that mean girl. I can remember waking up the day after giving my life to Christ. Something within me was different. I physically felt it. I honestly did not recognize myself in the mirror. I knew I was no longer the old me, but I was transformed by Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17). In each passing day, I struggled as I did not recognize myself. Then I would overhear how people would refer to my disposition, gentle. It did not make sense. But that is just it. If I had the same disposition I do now, as I did before Christ came to live within me, I may try to boast in myself, not giving God the credit for who I am. Not hiding he dark and dirtiness of who I was before Christ, shouts from the rooftops of the depths of His grace! He needs me to take off the mask and not be ashamed of my past, but to boast in those past and present weaknesses to reveal His glory. That is my purpose. One of the scenes Pastor Chris showed from the movie Wonder, was of a boy standing up for August against a bully. That is how God stands up for me. Just like that bully, the enemy speaks lies about who we are. He knows that if he attacks our identity in Christ, he can gain a foothold and wreak havoc on our spirits. But, when he tells me I am not worthy, and my past is too messy for God to use my present, I picture God walking up and punching him out on my behalf. God can shut down those whispers and those lies I one swift punch. Boom. Done. Over. I am not sure how God will use this, but I know He will. There is a long list of other parts of my past. Lots of moments of darkness that I am not proud of. I know we all have dark moments that we struggle with. There are things about us that we are not proud of and issues of the flesh we struggle with daily. However, it is those things that make much of what Christ did on the cross (2 Corinthians 12:9). These words flowed into my journal yesterday during the service. I heard God say, Share this. I tried to argue with Him last night. God, I already have most of the next blog post. That is my plan. So, I did not sit down and write. As I drifted off to sleep, last night, I heard We will get to the other post, but I need you to share this first. So, God, here it is. Have your way.
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Hi! I'm Morgan.Follower of Christ. Grace dependent. Wife. Mama. Homebody. Archives
July 2020
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