As I spent time on social media, I began to feel a weight of expectations for my own life to match the life I was seeing of others. The more I strived to have the life I was seeing on social media, the less content I became and I began to question everything about myself. Finally, my husband called me out and I decided to fast social media and take my discontentment to the Gospel. Within a few days, I quickly realized that the content I was seeing seemed so scripted. Where was the authenticity? The more I prayed through my struggles, I felt the challenge to, in fact, live more "scripted", which brought me back to this blog I had created months prior. Except the “scripted” life I desire is one that is less scripted for likes and followers and more rooted in the Scripture—the Gospel, so that what I share with the world reflects the hope I profess, the grace I’m dependent on, and the glory of the Lord. As I prayed, I realized I wasn't the only person out there who desired this authenticity. I desire for this blog to be a safe place where others can come, just as they are, for genuine connection. I don't have it all together and I am tired of trying to. There is beauty in the simple, yet purpose-filled life. Grab a cup of coffee and stay a while. I pray that the Lord uses the words He gives me to encourage and give you hope along your path.
I hate surprises. I like to know what’s going on and when it’s going on. I like to be prepared. For most of my life, that’s exactly how I lived. I learned to observe all things around me and read people so that I could prepare myself for any and every situation to try to avoid disappointing anyone. Every move I ever made or word I ever said had to be calculated as to not rock any boats, I needed to be whatever each person wanted me to be. As a child, my anxiety levels soared because I stayed in a constant state of preparation or planning or calculation of mine and everyone else’s next move. Needless to say, if a surprise came my way, I crumbled.
When I was kid we didn’t go out to eat a lot. It had to be a birthday or some other special occasion. When we did venture out, one of the restaurants we loved was O’Charley’s. Every time I would eagerly anticipate the end of the meal. Not that the food wasn’t good, but I had my sights set on a balloon. As you left the restaurant the hostess always gave you a balloon. Once I received it I’d hold it all the way to the car and then look to my Mama. She nod her head and say, “Go ahead”. I wanted the balloon only so I could let it go. It was the highlight of every trip to O’Charleys. I can remember my Mama always saying, “Most kids cry when they lose their balloon, you can’t wait to let yours go”. That was true. I would stand with my neck tilted, remaining in that position even when it started to hurt, to watch the balloon drift away until it was out of my sight. That balloon was free. It drifted in the breeze and could go any direction it chose. It wasn’t afraid of everything or anything. It didn’t have to plan for the direction it was going. It very well might get wrapped around a power line or stuck in a tree or even burst. But, it didn’t stop it from going. My anxiety has been on a high the last several months. The majority stems from all the changes that have come in the last year. I became a Mama, a stay-at-home Mama, and Michael took a new job. Then, we put our house on the market—it hasn’t sold. And, that was my plan. So, my norm is to begin questioning EVERYTHING and analyzing it six ways from Sunday until my stomach is twisted in knots, my hands hurt from wringing them, and my head hurts from all the possibilities. When I ran across this quote on a Pinterest and recalled that about my childhood self, my spirit felt drawn to read in Luke 1:28-38(TPT) about Mary. I have read the story many times, but when I read it today a verse stuck out to me that never has before. So, Gabriel appears and says to Mary, “Grace to you, young woman, for the Lord is with you and so you are anointed with great favor” (v. 28). Now, reading that and not knowing what comes next, that sounds like great news! Since that’s all he initially said to Mary, her reaction should be overjoyed. I mean, the Lord is anointing her with great favor. YES! Isn’t that what we all desire? Yet, the very next verse states, “Mary was deeply troubled over the words of the angel and bewildered over what this may mean for her” (v. 29). Huh? Did you hear Gabriel, Mary? He said you were being anointed with great favor. Why the long face? She doesn’t even know about the baby yet. The baby that she isn’t suppose to have since she is a virgin. All she knows is that Gabriel has come to her with a surprise and it was not in her plans. Her plan was to marry Joseph and probably have kids, but not right now. She was scared. Her face must have looked something like the big eyed emoji because the next verse states, “But the angel reassured her, saying, “Do not yield to your fear, Mary, for the Lord has found delight in you and has chosen to surprise you with a wonderful gift” (v. 30). She is already fearful and she still has no clue about a baby. Her fear is simply rooted in the unknown. The unplanned. Then Gabriel drops the bomb. Mary questions him at first because after all, she knows where babies come from—not St. Vincent’s—and she is a virgin. But, that’s her only question before he delivers his explanation. Gabriel completely rocks her world. And, Mary’s final response, “This is amazing! As his servant, I accept whatever he has for me” (v. 38). Sometimes even the great things the Lord has for us come in scary, unknown, and unplanned packages. The favor and blessings come in form of surprises. God gives us good things, that at first might scare us. Naturally so, because “his thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and his ways higher than our ways” (Isaiah 55:8-9). You aren’t prepared. You didn’t have time to plan. It wasn’t your idea. Even so, what I learned from Mary encouraged me. She was looking in the face of an angel who was promising her the anointing of favor from the Lord, and her first reaction was still fear. But, it was okay to be scared in the face of the unknown—as long as she didn’t remain there. She chose to surrender her fear and find her peace in the Lord. She was his servant and so she would trust in whatever he had planned for her. This year my only goal is to look more to the gospel in my fear, to look toward the light when I can’t see through the darkness of the unknown. To hopefully, like Mary, find delight and peace in being a servant to the Most High—whatever he has for me.
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I spent the better part of the day looking at a view similar to this. We went from this mess, to the one in the living room, more times than I can count. She crawled all over the place and I repeated, “Whitleigh. No, no”. I washed dishes. She threw up morning bottle all over us, as it went down the wrong way—completely scared me. I addressed Christmas cards.
Then I stopped for a moment and looked up from loading the dishwasher. All of this is mine. All the dirt on the floor, the piled dishes, the baby who won’t take her paci out because new teeth are cutting in. All the mess is mine. Is it Pinterest worthy? Not in the least. It’s the life God so graciously led me to after running from him. After thinking I knew best. I thought I knew my dreams. In high school, my ambition was to get a degree, so I could get a fancy job and be able to buy all the fancy business clothes from the Victoria’s Secret catalog—I know, real concrete goals. So, I went to the University of Alabama with wrong intentions. Thus leading me to leaving the University of Alabama to come home to get a my cosmetology license. I married way to young, with no understanding of love, so that I prove everyone wrong only to end up 21 and divorced. After that was a sting of one poor decision after another until the day I met Jesus. Not halfway met him. Not scared from the sermon met him. Not I know all the right things to say and a couple scriptures out of context met him. But, new direction, new person, didn’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore met him. Then everything changed. He began to give me different dreams and take me down roads that I never saw myself traveling down. He gave me a man to love me and share Christmas Tree cakes with on our anniversary. He would use that love to teach me about prayer and waiting and grace. He gave me a desire for kids. He walked me through a miscarriage and allowed me to understand his goodness differently, then so graciously gave me our girl. He opened my heart to young people and burdened me to make a difference in their lives, to show them the love of Jesus by loving and supporting them. Then he walked me down a path to a degree so that I could. I have surrendered to the Lord and his plans, but I have also wrestled with him over his plans. I have been angry at him and ignored him and even yelled at him sometimes. He allows me to be broken, but he never leaves me that way. Knowing this truth doesn’t always mean I reach for it in tough seasons. Sometimes it’s as though I don’t know how to open my Bible, and even when I get it open, it’s as if the words don’t make sense. Because I’m seeing it through the lens of my feelings or circumstances or other people’s blessings compared to blessings I’m not receiving. I wallow in that. In my current season there’s anxiety and frustration and questions. But, he is big enough to handle it. He is big enough to handle my honesty in my feelings towards him and his ways. He is big enough to overcome it, if I’ll let the light in. It’s a process. Sometimes it feels like ripping off a bandaid, and dripping a little a little alcohol on that wound. And then, it starts to heal. I have no idea why I felt compelled to be this transparent. Other than lately I have been consumed with the desire to hide for one reason or another. I’ve been consumed with being worried about what others think and allowing their opinions of me to be my truth. The truth is I know who I am in Christ and that’s enough. That’s my truth. I am more than the sum of every single one of my mistakes. I am more than the enemy lies. I am more than cowering to manipulation. I am more than self hate. I am more than a discouraged heart. I am more than the past. I am more because of the work of the cross. I have been made confident in Christ. For whatever reason, the Lord laid these words on my heart and continued to move me to share. So here it is. Every raw word and truth on display in hopes that someone else finds hope. |
Hi! I'm Morgan.Follower of Christ. Grace dependent. Wife. Mama. Homebody. Archives
July 2020
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