As I spent time on social media, I began to feel a weight of expectations for my own life to match the life I was seeing of others. The more I strived to have the life I was seeing on social media, the less content I became and I began to question everything about myself. Finally, my husband called me out and I decided to fast social media and take my discontentment to the Gospel. Within a few days, I quickly realized that the content I was seeing seemed so scripted. Where was the authenticity? The more I prayed through my struggles, I felt the challenge to, in fact, live more "scripted", which brought me back to this blog I had created months prior. Except the “scripted” life I desire is one that is less scripted for likes and followers and more rooted in the Scripture—the Gospel, so that what I share with the world reflects the hope I profess, the grace I’m dependent on, and the glory of the Lord. As I prayed, I realized I wasn't the only person out there who desired this authenticity. I desire for this blog to be a safe place where others can come, just as they are, for genuine connection. I don't have it all together and I am tired of trying to. There is beauty in the simple, yet purpose-filled life. Grab a cup of coffee and stay a while. I pray that the Lord uses the words He gives me to encourage and give you hope along your path.
William Shakespeare said that “expectation is the root of all heartache”.
Expectation. A word that I feel has been surrounding me lately. There are expectations placed on all of us every day and we, in turn, place many expectations on others. Expectations exist in our careers, marriages, friendships, and even as parents. We seem to be bogged down at times when we do not feel the expectations can be met. Resulting in heartache, frustration, anxiety, and stress. We know the effects of not feeling like we live up to an expectation, yet we place expectations on others only to be disappointed when they do not meet those expectations. Disappointment. Another result of expectations. But, is it because of expectation, in general, or the reality that our expectations are too high? Seriously. I become frustrated with my school kids BECAUSE of my unmet expectations. I become frustrated with my husband BECAUSE of unmet expectations. That list goes on and on. But, the worst one of all, I become frustrated with God BECAUSE of my expectations. BECAUSE I can only ever see a part of what He is doing and my expectations of him place him in a box he is never supposed to be. Thoughts, such as this, concerning expectations and disappointment have been playing through my mind lately. Like always, whenever a thought captivates me, God always shows up to speak his truth into it. Jeremiah 29:13 tells us, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart”. I am always amazed at how personally he reveals himself to us. He knows the beginning, the end, and everything in between. He knows when I am going to need him to speak to me and he knows exactly the circumstances to orchestrate SO THAT I see him. A couple of weeks ago, I had the privilege to hear one of the people I love the most speak to a group of ladies and tell the story God has given to her. I was completely captivated by her words. I watched her in complete awe as peace and confidence radiated through her. She knew the story God had given her had to be told and she stood in his power to deliver it. I had heard her story before and lived through parts of it with her, but despite knowing some of what she would say that day a part of what she said rocked my world. Before getting into the personal details of her story she referred to the story of Mary and the question posed by the popular Christmas song, “Mary, did you know?” If you have never heard that song, the lyrics are a combination of questions being asked to Mary concerning her knowledge of the inevitable future of her child. She would endure great suffering and a parent’s worst nightmare. Although her son would save the world from sin, he would have to suffer and die. As she was speaking, my friend addressed a thought that I had never considered. What if God would have revealed to her, years in advance, her future? Would she still choose to walk that path? In the days that followed I began completing a devotional plan on the Bible app. The plan was an advent plan, created by my church. The central message? Why, Mary, of course. Oh, hey there God. Every day I read the words, I thought of all the things my friend said in her message. What expectations did Mary have for what was ahead? That is when her words in Luke 1:38 were revealed to me, “I am the Lord’s servant. May your word to me be fulfilled”. Her expectations were simple. She was a servant to the Lord, so bring it on whatever comes. Really? She was PREGNANT because an angel told her she was. She was not married. And yet, she calmly fist bumped that angel and said, “Let’s do this.”. All because of the trust and peace she had in the Lord. Whoa. How do I find that faith and peace? Last week I felt God telling me to hide away for a little while. I am a homebody and introvert. So, these promptings from him are never hard for me to acknowledge. Hiding away and seeking Him is my safe space. The noise of the world goes away, and my perspective gets realigned to his truth. However, this time was different because I felt out of sorts. I spent most of the days in tears and asking God what he was doing. When this happens, I get really quiet and press into Him by reading. I picked up a book that I have been trying to complete, Anything by Jennie Allen. As I read through a chapter labeled “The Normal Drug”, my thoughts about the expectations I place on everyday events challenged me. We often hear the phrase, “Wait expectantly on God”. While I believe this, I also am learning that the root of the expectation can influence our belief of who God is and possibly hinder our relationship with him. Are we waiting on God to do anything according to his will or are we waiting on God to do things the way we have planned in our hearts? Let me explain. Recently, Michael and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. We made it. To us, our wedding day was perfect. In the weeks leading up to the wedding I decided that all expectations of how the day was supposed to go were getting laid aside. I wanted to be fully present in every moment. If something strayed from the plan, oh well. I decided that if the pastor and Michael showed up, I was walking out with my dream come true. Marrying Michael was all that mattered. Looking back, it was this mindset that made the day seem so flawless to us. That same mindset did not follow me into our first months of marriage. The weeks and months ahead were tough, but not for the reasons you may think. We did not argue over the typically newly married things. In fact, we did not argue at all. We were excited to be doing life together. We discussed our dreams for the future and then did the thing that always seems to backfire. We made plans and timelines. Then we took those plans for our future and stored them in our hearts with the expectation that is how things would go. I think God shakes his head at our attempt to control and organize our life plans as he knows what is up ahead. Not only does he know what is coming, but he knows how it will end and he knows that it will be what is best for us. About a month and a half after we were married, something did not feel right. I could not focus. Honestly, I did not feel like myself, but I could not pinpoint what was wrong. One day, when driving home from work, something in my spirit told me to buy a pregnancy test. So, I did and the next morning I took it. I am pretty sure when I went in to tell Michael the results, he thought someone had died. I could not even get out the words through my tears. The test was positive, and it was supposed to make me overjoyed, but it did not. You see, part of our planning including having children, but not during football season. This positive test would have me delivering in October. October. One of the months, in our timeline planning, Michael and I decided was not a good time for a baby. Hello, God. Um, that is FOOTBALL SEASON. Are you aware of how our lives look during that time? Do you realize how stressed my husband gets? But I will never forget the look on Michael’s face when I was finally able to mutter the words, “I am pregnant”. It was sheer joy. Yet, something deep in my spirit would not settle. In the weeks ahead, we would face the reality that something was not right. The awful words, “this pregnancy may not be viable” became our reality and our relationship took a hit. We had been sacked by an unexpected pregnancy and the disappointment that God had a different plan. I have yet to figure out exactly how I changed in those weeks, but I did. It was not supposed to be this way and no planning or organization I tried could fix it. Michael and I struggled to sort out how we felt, individually, and how that looked in our relationship. I struggled feeling like I failed Michael. I did not expect to get pregnant so quickly and I did not expect to have it taken away. (Job 1:21) These expectations I had developed made me angry with God. Only one other time in my life have I ever had such honest conversations with God, and I was not a believer then. I learned that he could take it and he loves that transparency from us. It was in the moments of telling him how I did not understand, that I was beyond angry, and seemingly shutting myself off to him that I realized how precious my God is. On one of the darkest days, I can vividly remember Michael standing at our bedroom door. With tears in his eyes he said, “You are supposed to be the one standing here helping us pull it together. You are the one who always quotes the scripture and tells me to trust what God is doing. But, right now you can’t. So, I am going to do it for you”. If I am honest, I never thought Michael paid much attention to me during the difficult times he has faced. However, what I heard from God at that moment was so clear. You just need me. You can be angry. I will heal that. You do not have to be strong, I work better when you are weak. Let your expectations center around being with me. Back to our anniversary, I promise I am getting to my point. My only expectation for that day was to be with Michael. I was so excited to be waking up next to him, realizing all God had done for us and in us. So, when I woke up to roses and breakfast from Jack’s (my favorite), I was pleasantly surprised. Because if we are honest, as women we are guilty of expecting our husbands to pull out all the stop on these occasions, which sometimes results in us only feeling frustration. Beside the flowers was a card from Michael and the words inside changed my perspective on expectations. It read, “Thank you for being you. Thank you for making me a husband and a father. I love you”. If I had attempted to imagine or expect something, he could say to me that day, these words far exceeded it. THAT WAS IT. I had not pre-planned how this day would go. I did not have these huge expectations of how Michael would display his love for me. I had no expectation of how the day would be and being present in these moments with my husband enough. Instantly, a million thoughts raced through my mind. Earlier in that week I had read something that centered around Ephesians 3:20, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us”. I have heard this verse tons of times and seen how God has displayed this truth in the lives of so many. The word expect could easily fit in to the place along with “ask or imagine”. Essentially, that is what we do when we ask or imagine, we have developed expectations or how a situation should turn out. Because it is not the expectation itself that causes problems, but rather when the expectation goes unmet. What if our only expectation of God, in any given situation, was to be with him, to learn to love him more deeply, for him to be glorified and to worship him? There is a song that I keep on repeat in my car because the words help to keep my heart focused on God and not what is happening around me. The words are simple, “Your heart, Your ways. Show me Your face. Your song and Your Voice, break through the noise. I don’t want it if You’re not in it, I just want you”. If the miscarriage happens, I just want you. If the healing does not come, I just want you. If you lose the job, I just want you. What if immeasurably more looks like just being content with God to do anything? Our expectations could not breed frustration or disappointment if they are just centered on letting God be God and being content in that. Show up to every situation expecting God to reveal himself to you. Show up expecting him to be glorified through whatever you are facing. Show up ready to worship him. Now, can we imagine or expect things and God exceed them? Absolutely! God cannot be put into a box. But I believe it is when the only expectation we have is more of him, that is when it is always immeasurably more. Mary had one expectation, to be a servant of the Lord and for the Word to be fulfilled (Luke 1:38). Later in Luke 1:46-49, Mary declares, “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me – holy is his name”. We call her blessed, her son suffered and died. In that act, the immeasurably more was that Jesus took it all for our sins to set us free. Mary expected to be called blessed, no matter what the next years would bring, because her expectations for the future rested in God. One of my favorite verses is Luke 1:37, “No word from God will ever fail”. That is where I want my expectations for my life to rest. He will always show up. He will always make a way. He will always pursue me. He will always do what is for my good and his glory. No matter what I face, I can always expect that HE will be immeasurably more.
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Space, Time, & Grace is not just the title for this blog, but it is a way I have learned to live life. It is no secret that our culture is fast-paced, which leaves little room for being still, waiting, or extending grace easily. Because all of those things take something, we do not feel like we have. Time. Personally, that is a statement I often make, “Sorry. I do not have the time”. Do not get me wrong, sometimes I am busy, but other times, it is simply the fact I feel I cannot keep up with the pace of life. There is a push for instant and I am exhausted.
A few years ago, I was on a Max Lucado kick. I could not get enough of the words God was speaking through him. The first book I read was, You’ll Get Through This. I began reading this book during a difficult season I was experiencing and as I read the book, it was as if Max Lucado knew my situation and was speaking directly to me. A bonus was that the tone in his writing made me feel as if I were sitting on the porch with a grandfather who was dropping some wisdom on me. (Not saying that Max Lucado is old. Insert foot in mouth. Age brings wisdom. Yeah.) Needless to say, I could not wait to read another one of his books. The season I was in went from being difficult to seemingly impossible. It was a season of waiting, but I was feeling pressure to end the wait. Therefore, becoming incredibly discontent with what was or was not happening and what could possibly happen in the future. Enter Max Lucado book number two, He Still Moves Stones. The book encouraged me, in the midst of a situation that was stagnant. The book spoke the truth that God was the God of miracles and that He had the power to move, even in the most stubborn hearts. However, it was one line from this book that shifted my spirit and perspective, not only about this situation, but the perspective I had concerning the course of my life. “What if Jesus had disowned them? Or worse still, what if he’d suffocated his family with his demand for change? He didn’t. He instead gave them space, time, and grace”. -Max Lucado I realized then that the sentiment of space, time and grace was played a crucial role throughout my life. Space, time, and grace guided me through three of the most challenging seasons and valleys I have walked through. Let me explain.
I met my best friend when I was five, on my first day of Kindergarten. And, naturally, we were like daylight and dark. She was gentle and constant while I was rough and unpredictable. But, it worked. I adored her gentle yet strong disposition (even though I never told her that). She had a big heart and her smile radiated the light within her. Then at eighteen years old, she was gone. She went home to our Heavenly Father. It was in that moment my world grew dark and yet, that moment was the first time I knew, for certain, that God was real (I will post the details of the story in a later post). You see, Whitney loved the Lord and she radiated His love to everyone around her. All those years, I intently watched her.Everything she did fascinated me, because she lived a life so that and set apart. I would go along with the Bible stories and I even learned to sing along to her favorite Christian songs. However, it was all surface level. I did not truly understand it. After her death, I wrestled with God. He met me in the church on the day of her funeral. I remember, so clearly, standing in the cemetery and feeling the wind. There were tons of people around me, but I felt like I was standing alone. I saw no one around me. As I stood there with warm tears streaming down my face, something came into my spirit, it was God, but I was reluctant to accept His offer. Mainly because I did not know how, and I was angry. That was the beginning of many troublesome years. My journey and decisions were destructive. So, as years passed, I was sure He would not want me after all I had done, so I continued to run until I became too tired to keep going. I needed relief from the pain I was feeling. I needed the angst in my heart to disappear. I was suffocating. I hit rock bottom, but that is where God was waiting to pick me up. He met me the same way He did in the cemetery that day, except this time when He met me, I saw Him through a different lens. That day I saw Whitney. I recalled all the times I would mess up, but she would love me anyway. I recalled all the times I hurt her by my actions, but she forgave me anyway. No matter what I did or how far I ran from her friendship, she would be there waiting for me. Whitney saw the ugliest parts of me, and she loved me, not only despite those parts but because of them. She gave me space, time, and grace. Because of her example, the light she let shine, I was able to understand God’s love for me and accept Him as my savior.
The occurrence of space, time, and grace in our relationship came about before he was my husband. You see, the moment I met Michael, I felt in my spirit that he would be my husband. Michael, on the other hand, did not know that. We will say he was not quite in the marriage mindset. We dated for about six months when the conversation happened that every girl hopes against. I think I need a break. While I was somewhat blind-sided, my discernment prepared me weeks earlier as I felt in my spirit that something was off. Nevertheless, I was devastated. Plus, the terms Michael desired for the break were not black and white, there was lots of gray area that I could not understand or navigate through. Really, God? You speak to me that he will be my husband and then take it away. How could you do this? As soon as the question left my lips, I heard God whisper, Wait. After much prayer, that is exactly what I did. The months that followed there were many ups and downs as we navigated through this season. We still talked and had dinner, occasionally. Yet, he was emotionally unavailable, which is my love language. The whole process was uncomfortable. More accurately, it was painful. The choice I made to wait on Michael was one that confused many people I was close to. Naturally, we live in a world where assertiveness and control take precedence over gentleness and patience. Our culture is one of instant gratification. We do not wait for much of anything without becoming annoyed in the process. However, the Bible uses the word wait approximately 106 times throughout the scriptures. Waiting on the Lord is important. Still, I can hear the criticism and questions I faced during that season. So, you are just going to ALLOW him to control how this goes? Tell him y’all can either be together or nothing. While I understand that most of the people felt that their criticism was showing that they cared for me, more often the criticism left me in a dark place, questioning God. A place I did not like to be in. Because, in that place I would make decisions based on others opinions of my situation, rather than trusting in God’s timing and instruction to wait. So, I shut the world out and pressed into God. It was in that season that I read the line from He Still Moves Stones and when space, time, and grace became real. There was a night that I literally fell on my face before the Lord. At that moment, there was ugly crying and I am pretty sure He heard more gasps than words, but I poured my heart out to Him. At that moment, I decided that if I was going to choose to wait, I was going to do it well and with conviction. I was not going to be swayed by others but stand firm in my faith. God shifted something in my spirit that night. From that moment forward, I walked out what He had spoken to me. That is when things began to change. Slowly and steadily, I watched God move in Michael’s heart. His defenses softened. Now every day was not easy, but I refused to be defeated because I knew God was fighting for me. He was doing more within Michael in my stillness than I could do through ultimatums and promptings. I finally gave Michael space, time, and grace. And now, we are approaching our one year marriage anniversary December 16th. One of the clearest moments of my wedding day, I was standing in the hallway waiting for the ceremony to start. My step-dad whispered to me, “Do you remember a few years ago when you were crying on the porch and you said to me, “I believe God just wants me to wait for him”? Well, sweetheart, I think you made a really good decision”. I stood there in awe, hearing the worship music play, and rejoicing in all God had done. Space, time, and grace is NOT going to be easy to give. But, that space, time, and grace is how he loves us. It is a sentiment that changes hearts.
Several years ago, about a year after I had been saved, I heard some words that I thought were crazy. I can still remember exactly where I was, when I close my eyes, I can put myself back in that place.The feel, sounds, sights, and smells. I was sitting outside Starbucks with a friend. We were deep in conversation when a stranger walked up to our table. He introduced himself, told us he was a pastor at a local church and said, “I know this may seem strange, but God has instructed me to tell you something”. Whaattt?! At this point in my salvation, I was still wrapping my head around lots of new truths of the gospel, so someone HEARING God’s voice. Yes, it was strange. However, because I was completely blindsided, I responded that he could tell me. “You’re going to write. That is your future”. At this point in my life, I had enrolled at Jacksonville State, pursuing my degree in education, specifically English. So, his words did not seem crazy anymore, that is exactly what I was pursuing. Purpose accomplished, or so I thought. The years continued to pass, and something began to be birthed in my spirit, to write. I felt this desire and call, but I had no idea what that looked like. That is when God begins to place people in my life who would recommend that I begin a blog. HA! That seemed like a joke to me. I loved writing. I loved words. But, it was something I did because it felt good, that is it. Most of what I wrote, I did not even allow others to read because I was convinced, I was not enough. Actually, I am not enough. But, God. The more people mentioned putting my words out there for others to read, the more this desire in my spirit to write grew. However, if you haven’t figured it out yet, I can be quite good at ignoring what God is asking. I can rattle off a list of a thousand reasons why God surely cannot use me and normally those reasons win the battle. But, they can never win the war because God always has the final word. Anytime I choose to ignore what God is asking of me, he ALWAYS puts something in my path so that I cannot ignore him any longer. He worked like this… I was meeting in a small group in the fall of 2017 at Starbucks. Remember the man I told about at the beginning of this section? The one who said the Lord told him I would write? Well, as a small group meeting came to an end, I looked up to see him walking in the door. Instantly, his words came to mind and I heard God say it, Write. Share. Trust Me. When I saw the man, I told my small group leader the story, but quickly brushed it off. Again. This summer I took a new job. While in meetings to prepare for the new position, I met a lady who had also just been hired. She was very nice, but we were not going to be working at the same school. I spoke with her a few times but since we would not be at the same school and did not have the same content area we did not talk much. However, for some reason she resonated with me. After I began my position, I was encouraged to create a professional Twitter, as that is a way my system shares in our progress. I did not know many people, so I created the Twitter and that was it. One day I received a notification that the lady from the summer meetings started to follow my page. When I saw her picture, I instantly clicked to view her profile. The last tweet on her page was a picture of her and her husband. And who do you think her husband was? Yep. The man with the words from the Lord. I heard God say it again, Write. Share. Trust Me. The saying is the third time is the charm, right? Well, even after both these encounters, I still ignored God. Once the school year started, I was overwhelmed. Between finding my place in my new position, beginning my second semester of graduate school, and finding out I was expecting, I found it hard to find the time or brain space for much of anything. Soon, I found myself in a tough situation that was out of my control. One evening I went to Target to pick up a few items and decided a Starbucks coffee would help me feel better. The line was long and my mind was in a million different places. The longer I stood in line, the louder a voice from behind me became. I was not even hearing the words of the person, but their voice echoed in my mind. I tried to block it out and I could not. Finally, I decided to turn around. Standing in line, a few people behind me, stood that same man. Once I saw him, I suddenly could not hear him talking anymore. I just heard God say, Write. Share. Trust Me. That is the night I went home and looked up the blog I had created so flippantly several months before. I found the initial post I had written that summer, ignored the voice of insecurities, and trusted God with the words he had given me. God gave me space, time, and grace to receive his calling. I can now recall tons of times since the idea of space, time, and grace entered my life, that the sentiment has impacted me. As the world around us continues to urge us to go faster, push harder, and take control, I feel a pull deep inside me to slow down and look up. Through every moment, I see why Jesus chose space, time, and grace to handle a tough situation and why it had the greatest impact. Because, it is Gods way of drawing us to himself. |
Hi! I'm Morgan.Follower of Christ. Grace dependent. Wife. Mama. Homebody. Archives
July 2020
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