As I spent time on social media, I began to feel a weight of expectations for my own life to match the life I was seeing of others. The more I strived to have the life I was seeing on social media, the less content I became and I began to question everything about myself. Finally, my husband called me out and I decided to fast social media and take my discontentment to the Gospel. Within a few days, I quickly realized that the content I was seeing seemed so scripted. Where was the authenticity? The more I prayed through my struggles, I felt the challenge to, in fact, live more "scripted", which brought me back to this blog I had created months prior. Except the “scripted” life I desire is one that is less scripted for likes and followers and more rooted in the Scripture—the Gospel, so that what I share with the world reflects the hope I profess, the grace I’m dependent on, and the glory of the Lord. As I prayed, I realized I wasn't the only person out there who desired this authenticity. I desire for this blog to be a safe place where others can come, just as they are, for genuine connection. I don't have it all together and I am tired of trying to. There is beauty in the simple, yet purpose-filled life. Grab a cup of coffee and stay a while. I pray that the Lord uses the words He gives me to encourage and give you hope along your path.
William Shakespeare said that “expectation is the root of all heartache”.
Expectation. A word that I feel has been surrounding me lately. There are expectations placed on all of us every day and we, in turn, place many expectations on others. Expectations exist in our careers, marriages, friendships, and even as parents. We seem to be bogged down at times when we do not feel the expectations can be met. Resulting in heartache, frustration, anxiety, and stress. We know the effects of not feeling like we live up to an expectation, yet we place expectations on others only to be disappointed when they do not meet those expectations. Disappointment. Another result of expectations. But, is it because of expectation, in general, or the reality that our expectations are too high? Seriously. I become frustrated with my school kids BECAUSE of my unmet expectations. I become frustrated with my husband BECAUSE of unmet expectations. That list goes on and on. But, the worst one of all, I become frustrated with God BECAUSE of my expectations. BECAUSE I can only ever see a part of what He is doing and my expectations of him place him in a box he is never supposed to be. Thoughts, such as this, concerning expectations and disappointment have been playing through my mind lately. Like always, whenever a thought captivates me, God always shows up to speak his truth into it. Jeremiah 29:13 tells us, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart”. I am always amazed at how personally he reveals himself to us. He knows the beginning, the end, and everything in between. He knows when I am going to need him to speak to me and he knows exactly the circumstances to orchestrate SO THAT I see him. A couple of weeks ago, I had the privilege to hear one of the people I love the most speak to a group of ladies and tell the story God has given to her. I was completely captivated by her words. I watched her in complete awe as peace and confidence radiated through her. She knew the story God had given her had to be told and she stood in his power to deliver it. I had heard her story before and lived through parts of it with her, but despite knowing some of what she would say that day a part of what she said rocked my world. Before getting into the personal details of her story she referred to the story of Mary and the question posed by the popular Christmas song, “Mary, did you know?” If you have never heard that song, the lyrics are a combination of questions being asked to Mary concerning her knowledge of the inevitable future of her child. She would endure great suffering and a parent’s worst nightmare. Although her son would save the world from sin, he would have to suffer and die. As she was speaking, my friend addressed a thought that I had never considered. What if God would have revealed to her, years in advance, her future? Would she still choose to walk that path? In the days that followed I began completing a devotional plan on the Bible app. The plan was an advent plan, created by my church. The central message? Why, Mary, of course. Oh, hey there God. Every day I read the words, I thought of all the things my friend said in her message. What expectations did Mary have for what was ahead? That is when her words in Luke 1:38 were revealed to me, “I am the Lord’s servant. May your word to me be fulfilled”. Her expectations were simple. She was a servant to the Lord, so bring it on whatever comes. Really? She was PREGNANT because an angel told her she was. She was not married. And yet, she calmly fist bumped that angel and said, “Let’s do this.”. All because of the trust and peace she had in the Lord. Whoa. How do I find that faith and peace? Last week I felt God telling me to hide away for a little while. I am a homebody and introvert. So, these promptings from him are never hard for me to acknowledge. Hiding away and seeking Him is my safe space. The noise of the world goes away, and my perspective gets realigned to his truth. However, this time was different because I felt out of sorts. I spent most of the days in tears and asking God what he was doing. When this happens, I get really quiet and press into Him by reading. I picked up a book that I have been trying to complete, Anything by Jennie Allen. As I read through a chapter labeled “The Normal Drug”, my thoughts about the expectations I place on everyday events challenged me. We often hear the phrase, “Wait expectantly on God”. While I believe this, I also am learning that the root of the expectation can influence our belief of who God is and possibly hinder our relationship with him. Are we waiting on God to do anything according to his will or are we waiting on God to do things the way we have planned in our hearts? Let me explain. Recently, Michael and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. We made it. To us, our wedding day was perfect. In the weeks leading up to the wedding I decided that all expectations of how the day was supposed to go were getting laid aside. I wanted to be fully present in every moment. If something strayed from the plan, oh well. I decided that if the pastor and Michael showed up, I was walking out with my dream come true. Marrying Michael was all that mattered. Looking back, it was this mindset that made the day seem so flawless to us. That same mindset did not follow me into our first months of marriage. The weeks and months ahead were tough, but not for the reasons you may think. We did not argue over the typically newly married things. In fact, we did not argue at all. We were excited to be doing life together. We discussed our dreams for the future and then did the thing that always seems to backfire. We made plans and timelines. Then we took those plans for our future and stored them in our hearts with the expectation that is how things would go. I think God shakes his head at our attempt to control and organize our life plans as he knows what is up ahead. Not only does he know what is coming, but he knows how it will end and he knows that it will be what is best for us. About a month and a half after we were married, something did not feel right. I could not focus. Honestly, I did not feel like myself, but I could not pinpoint what was wrong. One day, when driving home from work, something in my spirit told me to buy a pregnancy test. So, I did and the next morning I took it. I am pretty sure when I went in to tell Michael the results, he thought someone had died. I could not even get out the words through my tears. The test was positive, and it was supposed to make me overjoyed, but it did not. You see, part of our planning including having children, but not during football season. This positive test would have me delivering in October. October. One of the months, in our timeline planning, Michael and I decided was not a good time for a baby. Hello, God. Um, that is FOOTBALL SEASON. Are you aware of how our lives look during that time? Do you realize how stressed my husband gets? But I will never forget the look on Michael’s face when I was finally able to mutter the words, “I am pregnant”. It was sheer joy. Yet, something deep in my spirit would not settle. In the weeks ahead, we would face the reality that something was not right. The awful words, “this pregnancy may not be viable” became our reality and our relationship took a hit. We had been sacked by an unexpected pregnancy and the disappointment that God had a different plan. I have yet to figure out exactly how I changed in those weeks, but I did. It was not supposed to be this way and no planning or organization I tried could fix it. Michael and I struggled to sort out how we felt, individually, and how that looked in our relationship. I struggled feeling like I failed Michael. I did not expect to get pregnant so quickly and I did not expect to have it taken away. (Job 1:21) These expectations I had developed made me angry with God. Only one other time in my life have I ever had such honest conversations with God, and I was not a believer then. I learned that he could take it and he loves that transparency from us. It was in the moments of telling him how I did not understand, that I was beyond angry, and seemingly shutting myself off to him that I realized how precious my God is. On one of the darkest days, I can vividly remember Michael standing at our bedroom door. With tears in his eyes he said, “You are supposed to be the one standing here helping us pull it together. You are the one who always quotes the scripture and tells me to trust what God is doing. But, right now you can’t. So, I am going to do it for you”. If I am honest, I never thought Michael paid much attention to me during the difficult times he has faced. However, what I heard from God at that moment was so clear. You just need me. You can be angry. I will heal that. You do not have to be strong, I work better when you are weak. Let your expectations center around being with me. Back to our anniversary, I promise I am getting to my point. My only expectation for that day was to be with Michael. I was so excited to be waking up next to him, realizing all God had done for us and in us. So, when I woke up to roses and breakfast from Jack’s (my favorite), I was pleasantly surprised. Because if we are honest, as women we are guilty of expecting our husbands to pull out all the stop on these occasions, which sometimes results in us only feeling frustration. Beside the flowers was a card from Michael and the words inside changed my perspective on expectations. It read, “Thank you for being you. Thank you for making me a husband and a father. I love you”. If I had attempted to imagine or expect something, he could say to me that day, these words far exceeded it. THAT WAS IT. I had not pre-planned how this day would go. I did not have these huge expectations of how Michael would display his love for me. I had no expectation of how the day would be and being present in these moments with my husband enough. Instantly, a million thoughts raced through my mind. Earlier in that week I had read something that centered around Ephesians 3:20, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us”. I have heard this verse tons of times and seen how God has displayed this truth in the lives of so many. The word expect could easily fit in to the place along with “ask or imagine”. Essentially, that is what we do when we ask or imagine, we have developed expectations or how a situation should turn out. Because it is not the expectation itself that causes problems, but rather when the expectation goes unmet. What if our only expectation of God, in any given situation, was to be with him, to learn to love him more deeply, for him to be glorified and to worship him? There is a song that I keep on repeat in my car because the words help to keep my heart focused on God and not what is happening around me. The words are simple, “Your heart, Your ways. Show me Your face. Your song and Your Voice, break through the noise. I don’t want it if You’re not in it, I just want you”. If the miscarriage happens, I just want you. If the healing does not come, I just want you. If you lose the job, I just want you. What if immeasurably more looks like just being content with God to do anything? Our expectations could not breed frustration or disappointment if they are just centered on letting God be God and being content in that. Show up to every situation expecting God to reveal himself to you. Show up expecting him to be glorified through whatever you are facing. Show up ready to worship him. Now, can we imagine or expect things and God exceed them? Absolutely! God cannot be put into a box. But I believe it is when the only expectation we have is more of him, that is when it is always immeasurably more. Mary had one expectation, to be a servant of the Lord and for the Word to be fulfilled (Luke 1:38). Later in Luke 1:46-49, Mary declares, “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me – holy is his name”. We call her blessed, her son suffered and died. In that act, the immeasurably more was that Jesus took it all for our sins to set us free. Mary expected to be called blessed, no matter what the next years would bring, because her expectations for the future rested in God. One of my favorite verses is Luke 1:37, “No word from God will ever fail”. That is where I want my expectations for my life to rest. He will always show up. He will always make a way. He will always pursue me. He will always do what is for my good and his glory. No matter what I face, I can always expect that HE will be immeasurably more.
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Hi! I'm Morgan.Follower of Christ. Grace dependent. Wife. Mama. Homebody. Archives
July 2020
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