As I spent time on social media, I began to feel a weight of expectations for my own life to match the life I was seeing of others. The more I strived to have the life I was seeing on social media, the less content I became and I began to question everything about myself. Finally, my husband called me out and I decided to fast social media and take my discontentment to the Gospel. Within a few days, I quickly realized that the content I was seeing seemed so scripted. Where was the authenticity? The more I prayed through my struggles, I felt the challenge to, in fact, live more "scripted", which brought me back to this blog I had created months prior. Except the “scripted” life I desire is one that is less scripted for likes and followers and more rooted in the Scripture—the Gospel, so that what I share with the world reflects the hope I profess, the grace I’m dependent on, and the glory of the Lord. As I prayed, I realized I wasn't the only person out there who desired this authenticity. I desire for this blog to be a safe place where others can come, just as they are, for genuine connection. I don't have it all together and I am tired of trying to. There is beauty in the simple, yet purpose-filled life. Grab a cup of coffee and stay a while. I pray that the Lord uses the words He gives me to encourage and give you hope along your path.
These last couple weeks I have had a hard time holding it together. Slowly the reality is sinking in that Whitleigh Jo will begin daycare—and I am not okay. Just yesterday I called a friend, sobbing as I admitted my struggle and the anxiety that I feel about daycare and leaving my girl. I know all the right things to say and to tell myself, but I cannot look at her without crying.
The last year at home has been the best year for me. I am a homebody through and through. Although I never imagined myself staying at home with my child, but it was for me—I thrived. However, I also know that God has called me to the teaching profession. I know that He has given me a gift to connect with parents and their children and I know He wants me to use it this year, to grow me where He has planted me. Still, it is the hardest thing I have ever done to leave Whitleigh Jo. Even as I type these words, I am a mess. As I have processed all the things in the last several weeks, I have thought a lot about motherhood. I looked back through some old journals tonight and I recalled a moment, several months ago, when I was taking a walk at my Mama’s. Her driveway is not paved so as I ran across rocks the stroller rocked, so did my seltzer water. I tried my best to keep it from spilling, but I watched my water slosh out of the can, I giggled under my breath, and kept moving. That about sums up motherhood. Honestly, so much of motherhood is about survival. There are days of Mama wins, but there are more days spent trying to keep everything from sloshing all over the place in your Mama fails. Not that motherhood is not a joy, because it is the greatest one, I have ever encountered. But it is also the single most experience that has taught me humility. Motherhood has charged me to find joy in my weakness instead of constantly trying to strive for the illusion of strength in myself (2 Corinthians 13:9). Motherhood has humbled my view of life on this earth. I have been entrusted with such a gift, but she is not mine—she belongs to the Father, just like I do. Although that is not an easy truth to grasp, it is necessary to put my anxieties concerning her into perspective. It humbles me to realize that He loves her more than I do—a truth that seems impossible. Even when I cannot be with her, He is. I will fail numerous times over the years, but He never will. He will not fail me, and He will not fail her. When I take my anxieties and the buckets of tears, I have cried about her and daycare to the gospel, He will remind me of who He is by reminding me whose I am. I am encouraged by my weakness, in comparison to His strength, to embrace the humility of motherhood instead of pretending that I or my daughter has it all together. I do not want the pressure of perfection I put on myself to be a pressure I place on my daughter. She will never learn of grace and mercy if she never has to need it. I want her to see the freedom in the sloshing around as long as she keeps pressing forward with her eyes on Christ.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Hi! I'm Morgan.Follower of Christ. Grace dependent. Wife. Mama. Homebody. Archives
July 2020
Categories |