As I spent time on social media, I began to feel a weight of expectations for my own life to match the life I was seeing of others. The more I strived to have the life I was seeing on social media, the less content I became and I began to question everything about myself. Finally, my husband called me out and I decided to fast social media and take my discontentment to the Gospel. Within a few days, I quickly realized that the content I was seeing seemed so scripted. Where was the authenticity? The more I prayed through my struggles, I felt the challenge to, in fact, live more "scripted", which brought me back to this blog I had created months prior. Except the “scripted” life I desire is one that is less scripted for likes and followers and more rooted in the Scripture—the Gospel, so that what I share with the world reflects the hope I profess, the grace I’m dependent on, and the glory of the Lord. As I prayed, I realized I wasn't the only person out there who desired this authenticity. I desire for this blog to be a safe place where others can come, just as they are, for genuine connection. I don't have it all together and I am tired of trying to. There is beauty in the simple, yet purpose-filled life. Grab a cup of coffee and stay a while. I pray that the Lord uses the words He gives me to encourage and give you hope along your path.
This is cinnamon squares and burnt parchment paper in a trash bag. It was never intended to be in a trash bag, yet there it was.
I had a plan. We were going to a 4th of July breakfast and there was a Magnolia Table cookbook recipe I wanted to try. I made my dough the night before to save time the morning of and I went to sleep eager to see how to turned out. Expect when I woke up on the 4th, my headache from the night before had worsened. See, on the 3rd I somehow forgot to make my coffee. I realized it as I was cleaning the kitchen and wondered as to why the Keurig handle was lifted. It was past 9:00 and I knew I’d never get to sleep if I drank it then. But now, the pounding headache that I had all day made since. No caffeine. Anyway. Up at 6:00 am to set out the dough to warm up—head still hurting. Up again at 7:00 am to start the cinnamon squares—head still hurting. As I got out all my ingredients I realized I didn’t feel like attempting these. My head hurt and I was tired. What I wanted to do was send Michael to the store to grab some cinnamon rolls that I could pop in the oven real fast. But, is that what I did? Of course not. Which landed me staring at trash bag full of cinnamon squares. My spirit told me to rest, to send Michael to buy the cinnamon rolls. Because the dough would keep until the next day and I would feel better to try again. My need for approval told me to push through, forget how I felt, and take the homemade cinnamon squares. Truth—not one person would have disapproved of me. That’s the lie I chose to believe. Long story short, the parchment paper—that the recipe called for—ended up catching on fire and burning in the oven. Smoke filled the house and I quickly removed the squares from the oven. I put the squares on a different pan with no parchment paper and popped them back in the oven. Only to quickly realize part of the paper had burned and fell into the oven. More smoke in the house. By the time I got most of the smoke out the breakfast had started, Whitleigh Jo had peed on the bed and then she fell asleep—not in the pee. What was my next course of action? To sit on the bed and cry—ugly cry. During this moment I thought, “You just mess up everything”. Once I came out of my pity party, my thoughts bothered me. I felt like a failure because of burnt parchment paper. But, it was more than that. It was because I was mad at myself for not just sending Michael to the store. That’s when I realized how far out of control my need for approval and lack of surrender to God telling me to quit had become. Those moments when I’m so frustrated because things don’t go as planned—I didn’t surrender to God. Those moments when I work really hard on something so I can hear that ‘Atta girl’ but I never get it, only leaving me feeling like a failure—I didn’t surrender to God. Every time I don’t surrender to God, this is what I’m causing—a trash bag full of potential with the wrong kind of follow through. God has been asking me to surrender my need for approval for a couple weeks now. But, that place feels safe. It’s how I’ve always validated myself—by becoming whatever and whoever I thought everyone else wanted. Even though I have freedom from my past, this process became an unconscious unhealthy habit and motivation (Galatians 1:10). Once again, my thoughts sounded something like, “What’s wrong with you? Quit doing this”. Once the smoke had cleared (pun intended) my phone buzzed with a daily bible verse, “Create in my a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” Psalm 51:10. The word renew stood out the most because you don’t need to renew something unless it can run out. If you know anything about David, you know that he, like us, didn’t always make the best choices. He leaned to his own understanding a good bit. In fact, this particular Psalm is part of his confession after his sin with Bathsheba. David had failed. He had not surrendered his unhealthy choice to God. For it says in 2 Samuel 11:27 that “the thing David had done displeased the Lord”. David knew this and called upon the Lord to be renewed. God doesn’t need us to be perfect. But, He does need us to surrender those imperfections to Him so that his power can be made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9). We don’t have to live for approval, because we live from it (Ephesians 1:4). God’s been moving in me lately, in a way I have trouble putting into words. I feel like he is unraveling me—one situation at a time—and I’m not holding the needle or the new thread. He is and I’m here for it. • “One moment in your presence changes everything. Here I am abandoned, You are all I seek. Have your way in me. Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom and there is healing.” -Highlands Worship
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Hi! I'm Morgan.Follower of Christ. Grace dependent. Wife. Mama. Homebody. Archives
July 2020
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